[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
You Might Also Like
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!