[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
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Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
rapatouille
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”