[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
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Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*