*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
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Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same