[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
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My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
When I said I liked it rough.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Breaking news:
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.