[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
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ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.