*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
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People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try