*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

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I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game


Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.


Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.


Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.


Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.


If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.


Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.


Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.