@sarcasticmommy4

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

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@_CherriAnn_

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

@withanewname

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

@Gupton68

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

@TheCiscoKidder

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

@DanteEvilCat

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

@DamonHunzeker

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

@squirrel74wkgn

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.