Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
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I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.