[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
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Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds