[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
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We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Whisper out to librarians!
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.