[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
My inexpensive home security system…
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.