@frogshack

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

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@ArfMeasures

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

@RexHuppke

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

@markedly

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

@WilliamAder

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

@Tmoney68

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

@abbycohenwl

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

@ispypanda

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

@tobyhonk

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

@MikeMitchNH

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.