[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

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[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?


God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.


if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.


Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.


I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.


Judge: I sentence you to life in prison


If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.


Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”


If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.