Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

You Might Also Like


I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.


My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me: Step aside.


BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”


Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.


Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…


Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)


hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim


COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good