@Springaling85

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

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@DanglesTV2

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.

@WilliamAder

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

@Mardigroan

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

@tyleroakley

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

@Death_Buddy

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

@nattylumpo88

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

@J0hnnyBlaze

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

@imence2

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

@runawaycupcake

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired