He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
You Might Also Like
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
-Octopus preparing for a fight
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“It smells like ketchup.”
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired