Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
You Might Also Like
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock