@Springaling85

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

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@dresspants

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

@MadHatterMommy

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

@Marlebean

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

@Brianhopecomedy

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

@Reverend_Scott

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

@AudreyPorne

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

@bobvulfov

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good