@Springaling85

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

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@Miltgen

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

@Petote

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

@CornOnTheGoblin

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

@Tbone7219

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

@UnFitz

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

@TYrannosaurus

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

@mdob11

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.