*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
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I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.