*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
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This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Check your privilege
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information