*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
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a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Help Wanted
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes