[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
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Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
they finally got him. they got macavity
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst