*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
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Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.