*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
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Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-