*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
You Might Also Like
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
We’re all getting idioter.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.