*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
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I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
another case of gang violins
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok