[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
You Might Also Like
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Great acting.. 😂
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.