*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
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that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I’m not lazy
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.