*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
You Might Also Like
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
This is the one
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @