*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
You Might Also Like
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother