Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
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Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil