@wolfmannjr

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

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@ShitJokes

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

@joeljeffrey

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

@DoomedBoxes

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

@BruceForce

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

@EndhooS

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

@Breadery

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

@JB4Realz

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

@cadefart

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil