[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
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Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY