*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

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[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?


I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy


Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.


Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.


I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.


Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes


It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.


“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears


They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.


JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY