*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
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When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Always 🥴
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009: