*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
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If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices