{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
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I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris