*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
You Might Also Like
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.