*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
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There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Okay me first
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not