*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
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If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.