[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
You Might Also Like
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now