*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

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[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*


I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.


*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend


Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school


[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Me: jeramisu


REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*


[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry


One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday


Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.


How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.