ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
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*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous
*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
When your man makes a valid point
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin