Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

Name another movie that mislead you?

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

This is my cat’s medicine.

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.