*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
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One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI