[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
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Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
wut hotdog?
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police