[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
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Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence