*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
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girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
The best plant holders?
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
can’t bark with your mouth full
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.