*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
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When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I’m good, thanks.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!