*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
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Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
prepare for carbonated trouble
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I feel seen.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.