*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
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shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I wanna be friends with this person
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS