*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
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me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh