*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
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me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
our love story in four pictures