*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
You Might Also Like
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
lol
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Yes, this is exactly right
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.