*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
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Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Not all heroes wear capes…
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals