Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
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ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…