*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
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I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time