*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
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4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Yes, but it was never about money
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.