*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

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*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back


Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.


My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”


‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’


I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.


It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.


Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school


“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?