*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
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First rule of flight club…no penguins.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.