@funnybeachgirl

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

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@IamJackBoot

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

@MrSpoonicorn

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

@iAmJuddy

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

@TravLeBlanc

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

@dadbodcherry

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

@AngieDavisHaha

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

@robdelaney

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

@hurlarious

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

@wilnettleton

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?