[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
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ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.